A Guide to First Dates for the Socially Anxious

1: Wake up extra late. Hit the snooze bar twice for every time the thought “Am I really going to do this?” crosses your mind.

2: Keep yourself busy all day to distract yourself from the feeling of absolute dread every time you think about it.

• Study like you have never studied before.
• Water your mother’s dying herb garden.
• Watch a million mind-numbing Youtube videos.
• Ask yourself, “What the fuck am I doing with my life?”

3: Look at the clock and freak out because you realize you’re going to be late (by your standards “late” is being five minutes early because “What if something happens along the way and I make them wait?”)

4: Change into clothes that make you look confident when you are actually feeling like a trash bag full of shit.

5: Meticulously apply make up to your face with the skills of a two-year-old chimpanzee.

6: Get in the car and crank the music to full volume on your phone. Scream the lyrics. Do little dances in the drivers seat at stoplights. People in other cars will stare at you with amusement and/or concern. Do NOT flip them off.

7: Arrive at the restaurant parking lot five minutes early like you planned. Park in the furthest parking area because there are fewer cars and you are terrible at parking. Do not text your date until two minutes after the set time. It is likely that they are running behind and you don’t want to put pressure on them so you sit in your car with the engine off to save gas. You’ll sweat off approximately 40% of your makeup.

8: Meet your date at the entrance of the restaurant, and make small talk while you wait to get seated. Marinate in the awkward silences.

9: When you are seated, grab a menu and pretend to contemplate what you want to order. (You actually already studied the menu two days ago on Yelp and know exactly what you want, but your date is not an overly-anxious freak like you are, so you wait for them.)

10: Even though you practiced it a million times in your mind, you still end up stuttering when the waitress comes to take your order.

11: You will come to the realization that there is no elegant way to eat sushi if you have a relatively small mouth, so you are left with two options:

a) Shove whole pieces into your face-hole and avoid conversation/eye contact with your date at all costs.

b) Eat it bite by bite and let your date watch as you turn an expertly made roll into a mushy mess on your plate.

12: When the check arrives, insist on paying. You will be met with some resistance, but stay strong and may the force be with you.

13: Let your date walk you to your car (and on each step of the way there, you will wonder to yourself why you parked so far away).

14: On the way home, crank your music up to full volume again. However, this time, you won’t even remember what the lyrics were. The melodies will barely reach your ears and will blend in with the sounds of traffic. You are disassociating.

15: When you get home, change into clothes that make you feel like a sack of potatoes. Wash off what’s left of your makeup. Look in the mirror and ask yourself:

“What the fuck am I doing with my life?”